Another Programme Note

It has been a while since I've posted an episode of the Mack Man and Ceri show. Part of that is because I'm insane busy, what with potential church mergers, helping a Missouri church find a pastor (it won't be me, but I'm glad to be a consultant) and the insane and imploding world of newspapers.

The other part is because I am so frightened at the direction my country is taking, I can't even joke about it anymore. We are a nation led by fools. Wars have been fought over things like the way British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was treated by this fool our President. PM Brown, in the usual exchange of gifts, brought Mr. Obama priceless treasures. Obama responded with 25 DVDs of classic American movies. "Here! We got these on sale at WalMart!" To top that, the DVDs don't play in European style DVD players. Then after cancelling the joint press conference and the state dinner, Obama gave back to the British the bust of Winston Churchill given to us by Tony Blair as a show of solidarity on Sept 11 2001. Gave the dang thing back!! Interviewed by a London newspaper, an unidentified State Department official snapped that Britain was no different than any other country. This to our main and just about only ally in the world? To call these people pinheads is to insult pinheads!

Meanwhile Ms Sunshine Herself, Hillary, not only gave this Russian dude a "reset" button (to start all over again with the former Soviet state) that had the wrong word on it (instead of reset it said overcharge in Russian) she then met some other dudes from some country and mispronounced their names.

Hey-sus Marimba! Top that off with our fool of a President spending more money in his first two months in office than all of his predecessors combined, leading us down a path of socialism and atheism, and wrecking everything in general we find that as the economy tanks he not only doesn't have any assurances ("now might be a good time to buy some stock!" What??) but he comes off looking like a deer caught in the headlights when he does try to address the issues. And his "genius" economics guy Timothy "Oh, ok I guess I'll pay those taxes" Geitner doesn't have any answers. Face it: he doesn't know what he is doing, he's playing for time and it's running out! Look at the problems they are having filling high government positions! We have a government now of Chicago mobsters and tax cheats!  

Can you imagine what the press and the late night dildorks would do with material like the above, if it had been done by George Bush? You remember Dubya, right? The guy who sucked at making speeches but kept us safe for seven years? Who championed morality and God? Who tried to lead his nation in a good and moral way? Yeah, him.

The Republicans are in disarray as well. They need to get their poop together, and get their heads out of their poop shoots and get a muzzle on Rush and stop letting dems define them and get some leadership and get back to the basics of freedom. I'm a fan of Sarah, she is the real deal for sure but I don't know if she can lead us out since she has been so marginalized by Pravda in New York. But the party needs to find a defining voice, and they need to find it now.

What's Hannity doing in 2010? And 2012? Beck is just insane, but he is good to lead the charge and of course O'Reilly is great, and I get a kick out of Ann Coulter. But we need a voice. We need the 21st century version of The Gipper. Huckabee is probably the most qualified, but can he electrify the troops? Newt is the only one who consistently makes sense, but he, too is marginalized by Pravda on the Potomac.

There are some good conservative voices out there. The Motor City Madman, Uncle Ted, is a good one but he's like Beck: insane. Good to lead the charge, but insane. Entertaining and thought provoking, yeah. But insane. I love him, but he's nuts.

Then there's Chuck Norris. A possibility, for sure. Star power, cult following, and he makes sense. And he could stand up to the onslaught of Pravda from the Bay. So what's he and Hannity doing in 2012? What's he and Sarah doing in 2012? I think we could be on to something here.

But as Dennis Miller says, "that's just my opinion I could be wrong."

I've been so frightened at the direction my country is taking that I'm seriously thinking about buying a gun, lots of ammo, and seed. And learning how to can. It's so scary right now that I don't think I can joke about it.  

But I'll try. Soon.

kjm

World Peace Comes At Last

One of the biggest contributions of The Mack Man and Ceri show was its never ending efforts at promoting world peace. We didn’t just talk about it, we worked hard at bringing it about. I am thinking specifically of the time we hosted a summit between the Israelis and Hamas, in an attempt to bring the violence to an end. To the transcript... 

Mack Man: And with us today is Harry Wusseeman, of the United States State Department. Joining him is Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert along with the leaders of Hamas: Khaled Mashahooti, Ismail Haniyamahana, and Mahmoud Zahaduchbag. Gentlemen, welcome.

Harry Wusseeman: It is a new day and a new dawn in world diplomacy. We are going to stop the violence, and we are going to stop the violence today.

Ceri: Mr. Wusseeman, we sure are! By the way, how do you propose we stop the violence?

Harry W: By talking and communicating! Talk to the ones who attack you, and find out what it is we did to them to make them hate us so...

Mahmoud Zahaduchbag: (speaking in heavily accented English) Zionist pigs! We are here to accept your surrender!

Harry W: Now, now! We have so much in common to talk about-

Ismail Hanimanahana: Let’s talk about the articles of surrender!

Harry W: Mr. Prime Minister, we must make concessions!

Khaled Mashahooti: Yes! Concessions! We demand concessions and we demand them now, you stinking Jews! Just because we lobbed missiles into your stinking Jew towns, does not mean you have a right to retaliation! Killers!! Murderers!! We demand justice!! We demand concessions!!

Ehud Olmert: Actually, I think Mack Man has a different approach.  

Mack Man: Well, yes I do. You see, what I have here in my hand is a Thompson submachine gun, 1923 model. It fires the .45 caliber Remington-Thompson cartridge from a 14-inch barrel, and it has a rate of fire of over 600 rounds a minute. Now, with this whopping fire power and a heavy trigger pull I have to admit it does have a tendency to wander around during extended fire. But the 100 round drum magazine that I have, filled with bullets that have been dipped in pig’s blood, will serve our demonstration well. Here, let me show you what this baby can do.

(the recording of the show has the distinctive sound of the machine gun going off, accompanied by screams in Arabic. A shrill scream, presumably from the state department guy is heard, followed by panicked footsteps and a door slamming. There are sounds of reloading, and another round of fire).

Ceri: Ewww! What a mess! Here, let me call the janitor.

Jen: (sniffs) I think our State Department guy had an accident! He must have gone to the bathroom! That’s why he was in such a hurry to leave!

Ehud Olmert: Peace comes again to the Middle East, thanks to you, Mack Man!

.

Mack Man: Peace through strength is the only way! There will be no peace until they respect us, they will not respect us until they fear us. They will never fear us until they know we mean business.

Ehud Olmert: Right on!

Chrisman, Jennifer  Mack Man and Ceri: the Radio Show That Saved Humanity. New York: Random House, 2031

Women's Health Issues

Yes, life was good again as the show went on with a new flag station, and once we shed the onus of the college station with all that baggage and stuff things really started to fly. One thing that I was the most proud of was our commitment to women’s health issues.  

Jen: And finally in the news this hour, Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

Mack Man: Whoa, whoa, whoa! A what??

Jen: a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

Mack Man: Incredible!

Jen: Yes, this has been hailed as a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Mack Man: Continuing with our medical theme this morning across the way there Ceri is with Dr. Joe Mengele, a local gynecologist.

Ceri: Thanks, Mack Man. We are emphasizing women’s health issues this month, and I want to thank Dr. Mengele for being with us this morning.

Dr. Mengele: Thank you, Ceri. As my grandfather, Dr. Josef Mengele used to tell his patients back in Germany, at the Auschwitz Clinic, this is for your own good and won’t hurt a bit. 

Ceri: This is a very important issue, isn’t it?

Dr. Mengele: I cannot stress the importance of women’s health issues enough, Ceri.

Ceri: But a lot of women are really afraid to come in for their exams, aren’t they?

Dr. Mengele: Yes, they are but they shouldn’t be! It’s like the case of one of my patients who was having a problem and was very scared about it and quite concerned but when she finally came in we were able to figure it all out without a lot of trauma.

Ceri: What happened?

Dr. Mengele: Well, a middle-aged woman came in for her appointment, and she was very sheepish.

          “Come now,” I told her. “You've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me.”

          “Well,” she told me, “this one's kind of  strange Doc.”

          “Let me be the  judge of that,” I said.

          “Well,” she began, “yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a  plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of  pennies.”

          “I  see,” I said.

          “That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl!”

          “Hmm. Go on,” I bade her.   

          “That night,” she continued, “I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters!” She began getting really agitated at this point. “You've got to tell me what's wrong with me! I'm scared out of my wits!”

          “There, there, it's nothing to be scared about,” I assured her. “You're simply going through the change!”

Chrisman, Jennifer  Mack Man and Ceri: the Radio Show That Saved Humanity. New York: Random House, 2031

The New Era Begins

I think it goes without saying that we sure were glad to get things back to normal kinda sorta. Ok, so the college president sold our radio station and tried to have us killed, but hey we decided to let bygones be bygones. Besides, as the economy tanked plenty of radio stations lined up to be our new mother station desperate for the revenue that was now denied the college. We were back on the air and didn’t miss a beat! Let’s go to the transcript.

Mack Man: And welcome back to the show. From an undisclosed location, somewhere in the heart of America this is the Mack Man and Ceri show.

Ceri: The Mack Man and Ceri show is brought to you by California Vintners of Napa Valley. Makers of such awesome wines as Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio, California Vintners of Napa Valley are proud to introduce their newest wine. It has been developed from a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night. The new wine is being marketed as Pinot More. Pinot More, on sale now at fine stores everywhere.

Mack Man: Thank you, Ceri. At the news desk is our own Jennifer Chrisman, who continues her special report on evolution.

Jen: Thank you, Mack Man. Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. Anthropologist Dr. Mgona Takileeki told us:

Dr. Mgona Takileeki: The two most important events in all of history were:
          1. The invention of beer, and  
          2. The invention of the wheel.

Jen: Dr. Takileeki went on to say that the wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.

Dr. Mgona Takileeki: These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
          1. Conservatives  
          2. Liberals

Jen: Once beer was discovered, scientists say, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Dr. Mgona Takileeki: Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Jen: Scientists and anthropologists theorize that over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.  Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

In conclusion, conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing. Reporting for the Mack Man and Ceri show, I’m news director Jennifer Chrisman.

Mack Man: Thank you, Jen...

Chrisman, Jennifer  Mack Man and Ceri: the Radio Show That Saved Humanity. New York: Random House, 2031

Movie Review: The Day the Earth Stood Still

So the question remains: can modern movie makers, who have drained their creative juices dry with so much Hollywood drivel, remake a classic and make it better? Or break even, even? Look at the Batman franchise: the last two movies were pure genius. Awesome! Magnificent! Look at what they've done with the James Bond franchise: having jumped the shark with the Pierce Brosnan series, new life has been breathed into it and James Bond reigns supreme again.

So with great anticipation Jordan and I set out to see the remake of that great Sci Fi classic "The Day the Earth Stood Still." The good points: well, the special effects. They were good. Ok, spectacular. I love what they've done with Gort. I was concerned, you know, that they would do nasty hip hop things with our beloved killer robot. Not to worry. You will approve of Gort. I admit I didn't really know how the old 1951 Gort would destroy the earth: you have no doubt that the 2008 Gort will spell the end of all humanity!

The actors: Kenau Reeves was the essence of Kaatu. Jennifer Connelly was outstanding in her role as Helen, and Jacob Benson as the bratty kid you really wanted to see killed really made you want to see him killed and his eventual coming around (you could see that coming a mile away) was, well in keeping with movie standards. Two roles that deserve mention include John Cleese as Professor Barnhart and James Hong as Mr. Wu. I found a sermon illustration in Mr. Wu's dialog with Klaatu in the McDonalds. Finally the movie said something intelligible! John Cleese was quite effective in his reprise of Sam Jaffe's 1951 roll, and I felt he was horribly under-utilized. Sam Jaffe's Professor Barnhardt did so much more in the movie, Cleese's Dr. Barnhardt should have been much more prominent. As it was, it was not much more than a cameo.

As for the ending: Lame. Lame. Lame.

In 1951 they wrapped it all up succintly with their anti-nuclear war theme. In 2008 they tried to make their politically correct green theme...and left the audience saying, with one accord:

"Huh?"

Next up, let's see if we can find something out there worth our time.

Oh, did I say the ending was lame?

The message was confused and the ending was lame, but Gort was cool beyond all coolness!